It was a rough break up for me.
Nothing ugly but it hurts me so much. Pains me a lot.
At the beginning, I cried myself to sleep.
People asked me to stop looking at the pictures, stop reading the blogs, stop checking him online.
Easier said than done.
I see friends feel helpless seeing me so down.
I can't even imagine how my mom feel when she sees me crying.
I am a cry baby, but I've never cried in front of her because of some guy.
I was as cool as a rock when it comes to talking about the end of a relationship.
But not this time.

I intentionally frequently upload my pictures on Instagram and Facebook.
Just to let him see what he has missed out.
What he has given up on.
I am your goddess, am I not?
Now, It has become 'I was your goddess'.
I thought I will feel better, but I am not.
I am just tricking myself into believing this is how I'm gonna feel better.
At the end of the day, I feel lonely, empty and void.

I used to be so scared of updating my Instagram.
It often came with a question of him asking,
"When do you have time for your thesis if you do so many OTHER things?"
My mom was on his side about this.
"活该! Padan muka! Serve you right! You have this coming!", she said.
When I told her about the breakup.
I procrastinate too much.
It's my procrastination that partially lead to this breakup.

'Move on', they say.
'Let it go', they say.
Easier said than done.
The memories that he gave for the past few years, there were mostly good and hardly bad.
Do you know how difficult it is for me?
When you don't have bad memories about a person,
and you had to find a way to forget him? Forgive him? Let go?

Now, he has given me a clear sign that leads to the final conclusion.
The ultimatum, that he can give me.
Tag was removed. I was unfollowed.
It might seem shallow, but, coming from him, this says something.
This move carries a weight.
It had been surreal, but now, it is clear.
It is really time to let go and move on.
I read a quote that says "Forgiveness is the best revenge"
I must learn.
I must release him.
I must release myself from this.

Thanks for the memories
(for some reason, I can't find 2015 pictures)


Chin said…
Instead for u to use energy to look on those memories, why don't you use those energy focus on your study. To prove that without him, u also can graduate PhD with flying colour. When keep focus on study, time will going, at the end it is nothing. This is just a process for us to grow up. I know it is no easy but you must try to change focus it will help.
Huey Nee Lim said…
Chin, thanks for the advice and thought, I really appreciate it. Anyway, I feel so much better now. It was hard for the last few months but everything is great now. Thanks for the concern.

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