The Failure

NSF Scholarship result is out. My name is NOT on the list.

It's quite my expectation, because I sucks big time during the interview. I failed to convince the panels that my research is beneficial for mankind, they couldn't see the novelty of the project, and I didn't know who is the boss of the scholarship. So it made sense that I failed, and since I don't expect anything of this, the disappointment is still acceptable.

Out of 4 students under the same supervisor, only one stands out to win the scholarship, and I think she is the only one in our university who gets it. Congrats to her, but still, we (me and another friend) have some dissatisfaction because of her results and stuff. You can say we are jealous, but don't try to act like a know-it-all because you are not and you do NOT know it all.

The news spread out among us pretty fast, and the 'winner' didn't tell around, I guess she's in an awkward position too. I was in a neutral mode at first, until we started chatting about this issue, and some emotional feelings arose.

"Is our project really gonna work?" ('Our' stands for me and another friend, using a new method which there's no one in the research cluster had explored it before)
"What are we gonna do next?"
"I'm 27, and I still ask money from my parents..."

As a FB savvy, a post quickly showed up on my wall. Many thanks to friends who been encouraging me :) I'm just being emo, that's all.

When those emo comes, I know I have to do something about it. I quickly SMS my parents and to one of my friend who has been 150% supportive of me continue my study to get some 'warning' from him, he responded immediately and effectively. Mum called later to check things out, and so touching she made me weep.

It sounds so much like a little child whose her candy is stolen, I felt funny for being such easily broken over some stuffs which won't make any significant change or difference in my life.

It's part of the journey, and I must move on.

I'm OK lah, just a little imbalanced jek...

P/S: For the panels who interviewed me, listen here. I don't blame you bashing against me with all the questions relating to my project. I failed to convince you it's really a good idea, and I failed to make you understand what is it about because it's obviously you are so not in the engineering field.

At first, I might be able to forgive you when you sort of 'attacked' me with the skin complexion thing and my kelate vocal problems, IF I get the scholarship, thinking that those useless and irrelevant questions are just a trick to test my ability of answering stupid question and my EQ, mana tau lah kan saja2 nak kenakan aku tengok aku response camne kan...

ANYWAY, since I am not in the list, I want you to read this carefully.

1) Me being dark although I'm a Chinese? I'm not sure if you want to sound like a racist or anything, but I bet your world is so small, your perspective of human is fair Chinese, dark Malay and very dark Indian?? Pity you. The skin complexion I have now is a healthy color, the outcome of running and swimming and hiking and having fun under the sun one. What do you do, fair-complexion nerd? Must be applying 'Fair and Lovely' gao gao lah tu...

2) My kelate sucks or I don't speak Kelantanese language well? I really need to ask you to F*** off lah. What is it have to do with you anyway? It's like telling you your Mandarin or any Chinese dialect sucks like hell when I heard you talking in Mandarin lah.

I know it's not nice to bash panels or somebody else like this, but, if it's about relevant and related question, fine lah. This kind of questions?? Seriously, to 10 people I tell this incident, all 11 give me the utter speechless expression OK?? Now you tell me, is it really me who being so hatred and resentment, or is them who think they can say anything even stupid ones being a 'supreme' panels??


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