Something's wrong

I knew it.

I thought everything is going to be fine and easy after March, after all deadlines met and after all the hassle and rushing stuff.

I really thought so.

Apparently, it's not.

I have this weird feeling of uneasiness, stressed out, absent mind, tremble etc etc. All of this are like huge stones tumbling down inside me. I didn't feel breathless, increasing heart beat or whatsoever though.

I thought going back hometown in the last weekend helped me to ease the 'bad' feeling away.

I really thought so.

I visited my paternal grandfather's and maternal grandmother's grave after so many years absent from the 清明 mission. I whispered my wishes to them, and I prayed from my family's health and my study.

I talked to mom slightly about what I'm going to do after this. She is supportive all the way long. She supports whatever decision I make, she supports whatever things I'm doing. I came back university with her supports and encouragement. I thought her spirit strengthened my mind.

I really thought so.

Few weeks ago, I sms-ed a friend about this anxiety feeling I had inside me, and I told him I'm gonna be fine after this.

I really thought so.

Later this evening, he called. As we chatted along, I cried. Tears that I thought it would never flow out have eventually comes out.

I didn't feel an uneasy heartbeat, I still breath normally, but I just can't help myself but crying.

It's not physical. It's mental and emotional, and it freaks me out.

It seems like the stress in the busy March has eventually accumulated day by day, week by week, and it just couldn't go away easily.

The invisible stress is really scary. I don't know where to reach for help. Sigh.

P/S: Luckily, there's some other thing that help cheer things up a little bit.